This song randomly came on my mp3 player today while I was prepping for the holiday feast and suddenly I couldn't get you off my mind... not that you are truly ever completely absent. I started thinking about what it would be like if you could come and share in this gargantuan feast I'm going to serve... how much you would love the sweet potatoes (my mom's recipe). Yes, you would make a face first, but then you would try them to make me happy... and then you'd help yourself to seconds and maybe even thirds. I thought about how you would talk to the littles and they would immediately love you... much like I do.
Yes. I miss you terribly.
It's been three and a half years since we've said good-bye. I know that it's been even longer since the last time we spoke... and it hurts every time I think about that. But I try to think of all the good... and there is so very much of it.
I love how your smile was big enough to compensate for all my frowns. I love how you influenced my listening horizon... a lot of what I still listen to is because of you. I love how you brought me out of my shell (at least as much as you possibly could). I love how you made yourself a part of my world... even when initially I resisted. I love how you listened even when I didn't really know what I was trying to say. I love how I can't go home without driving by our apartment. I love how you've embedded yourself into all things tiki. I love that you were my friend.
But I never got to say goodbye. Were you looking down that day, seeing all your friends gathered in one place and wonder why I wasn't there? I'm so sorry... I wanted to be there. I try so hard to not focus on the regret... to focus on the sound of your voice the last time we spoke, when you were so happy that you just bought your first house. The house that still holds everything you loved. I did finally get to see it. It's great... very easy to see why you were so happy. You just sounded so content... life was going so good. You were taken too soon and it's just unfair. Completely. Utterly.
This is the first time that I've put any of my thoughts down. It's been so long, I guess I thought that at some point the hurt would fade. It hasn't... and now, I worry that by doing this, it will lessen how I feel, because knowing that your are still so present in my mind and in my heart, I would hate... HATE... for that to fade.
Yes. I love you. And I miss you terribly. And I hope that you know that wherever you are.
2 comments:
Beautiful words, Heather. My heart is breaking with yours.
I believe writing them down makes your feelings more real. Putting that pain somewhere won't take him away. It's reaffirming.
I wish I'd have poured my heart out like this a hundred times over.
I remember what a shock it was hearing the news. For you to feel this kind of hurt after three and a half years is a reflection of the kind of person he was--and the kind of caring, loving person you are. I hope the pain does lessen at some point, but I know you will never forget him. Many hugs to you.
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